Turn that song down, turn the static up.

I wrote this on the spot when The Village Voice INCORRECTLY reported that Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill fame had collaborated with Christina Aguilera on her new album. They later issued a correction and let everyone know it was all a misunderstanding. So, hypothetically, if Kathleen Hanna had written a song for Christina Aguilera, this would be my reaction:


Seriously, Kathleen?

FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!

Ok, let me put this out there - I love Christina Aguilera as much as the next red-blooded girl my age. BUT YOU ARE KATHLEEN FUCKING HANNA. You are the face, the voice, the national monument of the Riot Grrrl movement.

You are the girl with Pebbles Flintstone hair who scrawled "SLUT" on her belly before gigs so everyone could see your proclamation of raw female sexuality on your exposed midriff. You wrote songs about how much you like fucking and how you refuse to hide who you really are just because your boyfriend's an asshole.

And now you're writing songs for Xtina. Look, I understand the whole point in embracing your sexuality and being comfortable with the burden of womanhood and female archetypes. Really, I do. And I know you've changed a lot since the 90s. You went from Riot Grrrl badass to faux-dyke disco queen when Bikini Kill broke up and spawned Le Tigre. AND LE TIGRE IS AWESOME! Your songs make people want to scream and squirm around and you even have gender-bending JD Sampson, who has tits AND a mustache.

But I just want to take a minute and remind you that you have gone to writing songs with lines like, "But your baseball bat words, razor mouth tongue carve your initials bloody in my thigh." to this little gem: "I hate boys, but boys love me. I think they suck and my friends agree."

WHAT?

I'm sure this has some sort of underlying meaning like, "I am so sick of this patriarchal bullshit, but your macho ass won't leave me alone. I think you're an asshole and my friends concur that you should go fuck yourself."

(BTDubs, Kathleen, you already wrote a song like that and it's called "I Hate Danger" and it's fucking amazing.)

OH? NO? IT DOESN'T? You're really just waxing poetic about how stupid boys (not men!) are because they do things like text you too much and then when you text them they don't text you back? Oh yeah, that totally sucks.

BUT THE GIRL WHO ONCE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY COURTNEY LOVE SHOULD NOT CONCERN HERSELF WITH SUCH TRIVIAL THINGS.

I really hate when people call musicians sell-outs. I think it's rude and ignorant and people do what they have to to get by. So I'll save you the indignity of calling you a sell-out. But you have sold your soul. You have compromised the things you once stood for, like independence and intelligence and you've gone and written this awful piece of bubblegum bullshit.

And I am in no way giving up on you. I will forever listen to Reject All American and Pussy Whipped and I will always belt out the lyrics to every song on The Singles Collection. But this catchy-as-fuck chart climber will forever leave a tiny hole in my angsty, heavily-eyelinered, riot grrrl heart.